Sooooo.
I am sitting on my bed, not writing my government research papers. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself? Do I hate myself? Do I want me to suffer?
OF COURSE NOT!!!!

And yet.

I have new hair! It's pretty.
Yeah.
That's all.

Oh Professor Kershaw...

Kershaw is my Government 2301 professor and he is someone who bores me to tears. He looks to be almost 60 and seems like a nice old man, which he is. But he's also monotone and he likes to hear himself talk. And he's a good talker. But what I need is a lecture, not a ramble from a nice old man. And so, I write for 75 minutes as he rambles. I take notes from the book later, don't worry. :)

Honestly, I really hate that I've spent so much money on that class. I teach myself, out of the book. Kershaw hits a point loudly and repetitively, then rambles on about something that is indirectly related to it and has no business being in our notes for about 10 minutes, before hitting on the next point and doing the same thing! He does it all with the same tone of voice, no difference in pitch or anything. I've tried taking notes, and it just can't be done. You end up sitting, staring at the wall behind him, for the longest 75 minutes of your life! It's just not right. That is why I write letters and such and take notes from the book later.

I have written 4 letters (all more than 2 pages long and written on both sides) and one journal entry (3 pages long written on both sides!) in there. It's quite a productive writing time for me. I can already see a difference in my writing and I'm enjoying it more. I'm also learning a lot about myself. Plus, my friends get letters! What's better than that? 

I have his test on Wednesday. I'm not excited at all. :/

These entries are very short. I don't like that. I want them to be longish. But I have a short attention span. I really think I'm kind of ADD. My parents don't agree. Hm. One of us is wrong, and I'm pretty sure it's them... I think I know myself way better. But what can I prove?

Okay, off to shower! :)

Thanks for reading!!!

Question: What is your favorite book?

Eyes glued to the computer screen.

Hey there. I am staring at my computer screen. I can't seem to put it away. The computer, I mean. I'm addicted. It's not healthy.

I'm really sleepy right now. I'm yawning. I should be putting this laptop away, turning it off, and opening Trickster's Choice. But I can't because my eyes won't move off from the screen.

I think I'm going to need to have a day free of my computer. It's necessary at times, times when I let myself just stare at it for hours on end; watching YouTube, checking Facebook, checking eBay, checking my e-mail, and watching Netflix. I seem to forget that there are other things to do besides watching multiple episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is one of those times.

I've been watching Buffy the Vampire a lot. I'm in the middle of season two. Bleh. One day, I watched seven episodes! SEVEN!!!! I have issues!!!

I mean, I have a book I need to finish and more waiting after, homework that needs to be done, and then there's the future to think about! What college am I going to go to after I finish my basics at the community college? What am I going to do after college?

Wow. That just got way more complicated than it was supposed to. I was just ranting about how I can't seem to turn my computer off and actually do something with my life. I could make a YouTube video (scary thought!), I could write a blog (doing that now!), I could pursue my love of food (who knows, maybe I could do something with that?), I could write a short story (I really need to practice that if I love it so much), and I could do my homework! The possibilities are endless.

I like my computer though. It does bring me some joy. YouTube is better than television, Facebook keeps me in the social world, eBay helps me earn some extra cash, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer is just downright awesome. So I guess I'll keep it. I just need to moderate my time on it. Fun fun.

Question: What's the website you could spend hours upon hours on??

ALONE!!!!!

Ahhh!!!! I have not been alone for 2 days! It may not seem that long, but it is. I feel so calm and peaceful right here. In my bathroom. I'm sitting on the sink, calm down.

But seriously, I was being very touchy and ready to strangle anyone who said anything I perceived as negative towards me. :P

That is all. 

You know...

I was reading Kristina Horner's blog (italktosnakes.blogspot.com) tonight and I started to feel jealous of her. She's so successful in everything she's done, like YouTube, wizard rock, blogging, and she just seems like a great girl. So I think it's pretty understandable why I'm jealous of her. I want to be that successful, I want to have that much fun, I want to be that happy.

But life doesn't work like that. We all have different experiences. God made each one of us different. We can't change it.

So we need to be happy and work with what we've got, because it can turn into something amazing if we let it. Just go with the flow and make choices that make you happy.

And that's all I have to say tonight.

Umm miss me? *cricket cricket* Right...

So today, I was supposed to go look for a job. But I didn't. What did I do? I watched Covert Affairs, texted people, called places to see if they were hiring (which I think partly counts!!!), and then made muffins. I think it was a productive day.

I hate job hunting. It stresses me out and makes me peeved. I don't like it at all. Why can't I just make an eBay business and live off that?

I was working on it, but then Paypal couldn't verify my personal info so they limited my account. I can't get to it now. :( And there was over $30 on that account! Still is. I can't get it. It's just there, in cyberspace.

Okay, I think that's all for today.

On the Edge

Hello there...
So I don't think anyone is actually subscribed to me.... But whatever, I'm gonna do this anyway.

I am SO screwed up. It's incredibly sad. I am so twisted up inside by everything! I can't seem to pick on side of things or the other and stick with it. My social skills, my religious views, my ethics, my personality, my finances (not much there, but still, there are issues), EVERYTHING!!!!

I was at the library today and I couldn't find these graphic novels (Rapunzel's Ravenge and Calamity Jack both by Shannon Hale). There was so much emotion rushing around inside of me, I couldn't think straight. There were more people there than usual, the computers weren't working, there was a lot more noise, two boys were in the way of the shelves, and an old man was staring at me. It was a lot to deal with. But that doesn't mean I should feel so tangled up inside. I tried to calm down and focus my thoughts and in the end I did a little, but it was still weird and uncomfortable and I felt so unbalanced.

What the heck is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?!? I don't understand!!! I feel like I'm being pulled in five different directions and I can't pick which way to go!! Is it some kind of disorder, is it just an age thing?? I can't... There's so much that I have to deal with.

Maybe I'm trying to deal with too much at one time. I need to focus on only 2-3 things. Or at least deal with it all one at a time. Or prioritize.

Prioritize sounds like the best thing.

I think I need a walk.

Epiphanies make the world go round

I HAD AN EPIPHANY!!!!! Like, an hour ago.

Let me tell you, it was a good one. I mean, I've always considered the possibility that I was like this, but I tossed the idea out because I didn't want to be that way. But the thing is, is that I am...that way. So I really can't change it. Frankly, I've been desperate this semester to change myself. But I've only just discovered the key.

I am a PERFECTIONIST.

Now, anyone who knows me would say, "Shut up, Camille, you are one of the laziest we know, there is no way." To this, I have to say that that's what I thought too. Quite frankly, I really don't try with anything. But, there is an explanation for that.

I can't stand FAILURE.

Now it makes sense, right? Being perfect means not failing. I want to be perfect, I want everyone to think I'm great. But I KNOW I'm not perfect, not even freaking close. I know I'm not good at a lot, so I hardly do anything (sad, isn't it? A failure on my part... And trust me, I've been beating myself up about it).

I can't stand to fail. I expect myself to be perfect. I hate being wrong, looking stupid, and just being disappointed in myself. So if I don't think I'll be good at something, I won't do it. If I think I won't get a great grade on a project, I won't put as much effort into it. If I don't think I'll be hired, it's hard for me to actually apply for a job (this has been proven today). If I don't think I'll write a brilliant FanFiction, I'll stress out over it, and eventually not be able to work on it because it won't be fun to write it anymore. If I think the conversation with someone will be awkward or difficult, I won't put in the effort. I don't want to date for fun because I'm afraid of them not liking me, or it'll be a disappointment.

I want everything to be perfect. When it's not, I stress myself out, going over and over AND OVER it in my head. I've been putting so much pressure on myself this semester, that I've been unhappy. I can't do THAT because I'll suck at it, I should do THIS because I'll look idiotic.

It's a never-ending cycle. Well, at least until now. Now, I'm going to put myself out there more. I'm going to do things I don't think I'll do well. I'll probably cave more than once and It's going to be hard, really hard. Just thinking about it right now is making my butterflies flutter. But I'm going to try and fail a lot more. I'm going to be easier, and harder on myself at the same time. That makes sense if you think about it.

God, does he exist? (Not as theological as it sounds)

I just finished reading the play Inherit the Wind for writing my in-class English essay tomorrow. It really made me think.

I've been raised in a devout Christian home my whole life. But for the past year I've been questioning my faith.

As children we all believe without a thought what our parents say. They're our heroes, the ones we love most in all the world, we have no reason as to why we shouldn't believe them.

But now what? Now that we're legal adults (according to the government) and we're forming our own ideas about life everything seems big and looming. We don't want to choose the wrong ideal. That's all we've got though, ideals. Seems like it anyway.

I want proof, facts. I want to be right. I don't want to make the wrong decision.

What if God doesn't exist and my devotedness is all for nothing and my life was a total waste? But what if he is real? What if he sends me to hell if I don't do exactly what he says? What if the Bible is false? But surely not... Not when so many believe in it, right? But what good comes in following the crowd, basing your belief on others, even if there are so many.

Life is completely unknown. The only thing that's real to me is what I'm doing in every moment. That's the only thing that's sure.
What are we to do? What do I believe in?

More to come...

My walk last night.

I swung up and down, back forth. My bangs were blown in my eyes and then away from my face. I relished the wind rushing with me. I watched the tiny black bodies flapping in the air. They were beautiful. The sky was a twilight blue. Clouds were grey streaks against it. I made no effort to control my face; it made whatever expression my efforts to go higher were. I pushed my body forwards and let all my weight fall back as I propelled myself towards the twilight and the bats. My stomach was tight. I smiled.

It was dark as I walked back. The sky was a dark blue. A van pulled up in a driveway ahead of me. As I drew behind it I heard a car door oped. I turned my head to see who had gotten out. I couldn't see very well; all I caught were two large, fat forms before I turned away so they wouldn't catch me looking.

I heard a "hoo" to my right and swiveled my head around. Two giant birds flew towards me. I felt trepidation in the pit of my stomach for a moment, but they were above my head and quickly passed over me. Their wingspan was enormous, their head bulbous. I knew what they were before I'd even turned my head. I hadn't seen too many owls. I smiled as I heard them "hoo" in the distance.

Cicadas were making the air buzz with sound. I crossed a street. Movement caught my eyes. I looked up at the lump in the tree. I knew what it was. A third one seemed too good to be true. I knew it was watching my, waiting to see what I'd do. I clicked my tongue on the roof of my mouth as I passed under. It flapped away.

I listened to the sound of my sneakers on the pavement. I heard my jeans swish roughly against each other with each step. I loved the quiet the night brought. It felt perfect.

As I passed under a smaller tree, a smaller movement caught my right eye. A banana spider was making it's way down an invisible web that I hadn't seen twenty minutes before when I was going in the opposite direction. I kept watch over my shoulder as I continued moving forward.

As I came to the corner where I could turn left to go home or go straight ahead, I wondered what would happen if I went ahead. Would I find adventure? I turned. Home was calling.

Now, I wonder, should I have kept going.

The brown and tan and grey leaves on the ground whirled around before my eyes. I was spinning. The force of the air I was rushing though was heavy against my body. I leaned my back, pulling the twisted chains with me. The seemed to make me go faster; the air pressed against me even harder as I whirled through it. It was hard to keep my knees bent; I didn't want my legs to hit the poles that were much too close. I felt fear, but pushed it down. I let the thrill of rushing fast fill me up in it's place. The world was spinning around and around and around. The was rushing around and against me. It was beautiful. I laughed.

Be strong.

Life is full of disappointments. We have duties, we have obligations, we have responsibilities. Not everything is fair. Nothing is fair. We must push on. We must move past them. I must push past this. I must wait longer. I must. I will be strong. I will not cry; it doesn’t solve anything. I want to run. I can’t. I must stand. I must work. I must be patient. I will be strong. I will do this. Because I must. I will suck it up. I will not cry. Crying never fixed anything. Be strong. Stand firm. You can do this. I know you can. Don’t moan. Don’t scream for the unfairness of it all. It’s not. I know. Life is not fair. But you must be strong. You must understand and you must accept it. There are some things that just can’t be undone. There are some plans that can’t work out. This one, it won’t. I’m not going to say sorry. It will only make you feel pity for yourself. You must move on. There will be another opportunity. I know there were plans. Don’t cry. You’re better than that. Clench your jaw against it. Be who you know you must be. You know you’re strong, don’t be weak. Just accept it and move on. Don’t let anyone mess you up. Stay on your path. You must. Be strong. Tighten your fists. Raise your chin. Set your feet down. Be defiant. You will not be knocked down. You are impenetrable.

Empty and Heavy

I feel blocked now all of a sudden. I think I'm scared. Scared of writing something ridiculous.

No, maybe that's too much. I'm just... Stuck. Or something... I don't know.

My stomach... It's empty and heavy simultaneously. It's like a huge void, sucking every bit of creativity out of me.