Epiphanies make the world go round

I HAD AN EPIPHANY!!!!! Like, an hour ago.

Let me tell you, it was a good one. I mean, I've always considered the possibility that I was like this, but I tossed the idea out because I didn't want to be that way. But the thing is, is that I am...that way. So I really can't change it. Frankly, I've been desperate this semester to change myself. But I've only just discovered the key.

I am a PERFECTIONIST.

Now, anyone who knows me would say, "Shut up, Camille, you are one of the laziest we know, there is no way." To this, I have to say that that's what I thought too. Quite frankly, I really don't try with anything. But, there is an explanation for that.

I can't stand FAILURE.

Now it makes sense, right? Being perfect means not failing. I want to be perfect, I want everyone to think I'm great. But I KNOW I'm not perfect, not even freaking close. I know I'm not good at a lot, so I hardly do anything (sad, isn't it? A failure on my part... And trust me, I've been beating myself up about it).

I can't stand to fail. I expect myself to be perfect. I hate being wrong, looking stupid, and just being disappointed in myself. So if I don't think I'll be good at something, I won't do it. If I think I won't get a great grade on a project, I won't put as much effort into it. If I don't think I'll be hired, it's hard for me to actually apply for a job (this has been proven today). If I don't think I'll write a brilliant FanFiction, I'll stress out over it, and eventually not be able to work on it because it won't be fun to write it anymore. If I think the conversation with someone will be awkward or difficult, I won't put in the effort. I don't want to date for fun because I'm afraid of them not liking me, or it'll be a disappointment.

I want everything to be perfect. When it's not, I stress myself out, going over and over AND OVER it in my head. I've been putting so much pressure on myself this semester, that I've been unhappy. I can't do THAT because I'll suck at it, I should do THIS because I'll look idiotic.

It's a never-ending cycle. Well, at least until now. Now, I'm going to put myself out there more. I'm going to do things I don't think I'll do well. I'll probably cave more than once and It's going to be hard, really hard. Just thinking about it right now is making my butterflies flutter. But I'm going to try and fail a lot more. I'm going to be easier, and harder on myself at the same time. That makes sense if you think about it.

God, does he exist? (Not as theological as it sounds)

I just finished reading the play Inherit the Wind for writing my in-class English essay tomorrow. It really made me think.

I've been raised in a devout Christian home my whole life. But for the past year I've been questioning my faith.

As children we all believe without a thought what our parents say. They're our heroes, the ones we love most in all the world, we have no reason as to why we shouldn't believe them.

But now what? Now that we're legal adults (according to the government) and we're forming our own ideas about life everything seems big and looming. We don't want to choose the wrong ideal. That's all we've got though, ideals. Seems like it anyway.

I want proof, facts. I want to be right. I don't want to make the wrong decision.

What if God doesn't exist and my devotedness is all for nothing and my life was a total waste? But what if he is real? What if he sends me to hell if I don't do exactly what he says? What if the Bible is false? But surely not... Not when so many believe in it, right? But what good comes in following the crowd, basing your belief on others, even if there are so many.

Life is completely unknown. The only thing that's real to me is what I'm doing in every moment. That's the only thing that's sure.
What are we to do? What do I believe in?

More to come...